Milestones: The makings of a chief


Dateline Metropolis, Gotham City, New York, Atlantis, Valhalla, and Las Vegas: Superheroes from across America have been reporting a string of gruesome crimes over the last several days.

The reports coincide oddly with the publication of Henderson City Manager Jerry Moss’ list of qualities he seeks in a police chief.

“Don’t look at me!” Superman sobbed from a hospital bed at Metropolis General Hospital. The native of Krypton and suspected illegal alien was critically injured when his ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound was compromised sometime during the last two nights.

It is not clear whether he remains more powerful than a locomotive.

Coincidently, this intersects with Moss’ qualification of a potential chief being “…physically fit and present[ing] a professional image both in and out of uniform”.

Ex-super genius Reed Richards, formerly of the Fantasic Four and now the poster child of the Thrilling Three was unable to formulate a comment, as both his elasticity and intelligence were liberated at some point. It is believed that if a police chief were given both of these qualities, he or she would be an excellent problem solver, organizer, and could be pulled ten different ways by a city manager, mayor, and a city council.

Although it is rumored that the bloated corpse of Aquaman was found on the New Jersey shore, the Hall of Justice would neither confirm nor deny when contacted for a statement. It is believed, however, that Wonder Twin powers were active at the time the call was placed.

The ability to breath underwater would save time, equipment and support personnel costs in water evidence recovery efforts.

In a later press conference, Wonder Woman did substantiate a claim that her Golden Lariat has disappeared while she was on a good will tour for UNICEF.

A suspect bound with the Golden Lariat invariably tells the truth, although this reporter would tell Wonder Woman whatever she wanted to know anyway, as long as she was very, very rough with him.

The Golden Lariat would obviate the need for polygraph machines.

In Gotham City, Police Chief O’Hara reported that Batman’s car had been stolen.

“According to the report,” O’Hara said at a press conference, “the Dark Knight parked it outside of a downtown department store while picking up bat guano remover and ascots for his loyal retainer. When he came out, it was gone.”

Because Batman carried only minimum liability, insurance will not cover his loss.

Since the Batmobile can make time itself move faster, as evidenced by three seasons of television documentaries, it would allow a police chief to single-handedly “…protect the lives and property of both Henderson’s residents and people who visit and work in the community. This includes answering calls for service, preventing and investigating crimes, enforcing laws and providing education to reduce the community’s fears about its safety.”

The brain of Thor, mighty god of thunder, was found in a bathtub full of ice in Las Vegas. Police there have no idea as to the whereabouts of the body.

Singer Wayne Newton reported that he had been approached by a man who asked him if he was interested in “a really big tool”.

Although Newton declined to purchase the hammer, he did buy the “groovy horny helmet” which he willingly surrendered to police as evidence.

Odin, Thor’s father, offered a reward of “meade and lusty wenches aplenty” for information leading to the arrest and conviction of Thor’s killer.

A lawyer for Loki refused to comment on the traditional enemy’s location at the time of the murder.

In a related story, the body of Spider-Man, minus a brain, was found in a bathtub full of ice in Queens. It is the fourth such instance of de-encephalizing in the New York borough this month.

“Forgetaboutit,” read the New York Police Department one-word press release.

The Department of Homeland Security was unable to confirm if the Henderson City Manager had recently checked out a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein from the new H. Leslie Perry Memorial Library. However, scientist Bruce Banner reported from somewhere in New Mexico that he had recently been contacted by “a dude with a bitchin’ ‘stash” about re-animation with gamma radiation.

Moss was unavailable for comment.

The appointment of an interim chief is expected soon.

Editor’s Note: No superheroes or city managers were harmed in the composition of this column. Welcome back, Miles!