From the informational tourist pamphlet entitled: “Run, Come See Henderson – Tours by the Ramshaft Group”
Henderson, Vance County, North Carolina offers an opportunity for the tourist of discerning taste to observe a city return to a state of natural, pre-Columbian beauty.
As you tour the streets of this “transitional” cotton mill-era town in your heavily armored luxury tour bus escorted by the finest private police force in the four-county area, you will enjoy unique opportunities for experiences once thought only possible through time travel.
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Come and see our once-thriving communities slowly reclaimed by the forests and marshlands upon which they were built.
Watch as our housing stock decomposes into its constituent elements before your very eyes. Our professional bookmakers will take wagers as you handicap the houses of your choice. Which are abandoned and which command top-dollar rents? It takes a discerning eye to tell the two apart. Remember, they’re your tax dollars at work and working hard for us. |
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Our sewage-geysers are as reliable as the next rainfall. To enjoy this spectacle, check your weather forecasts before booking your excursion speedboat for a little street water skiing in our 100% safe complementary chemical fallout suits.
The city streams of Henderson are like a museum of appliances of ages past. Do you remember the old latch-handled refrigerator that granny used to have? Chances are it’s been dumped in some Henderson waterway. On our tour, the Superfund is also Superfun! The youth of Henderson have formed social clubs by region throughout the city. To mark the boundaries of each club, they have applied beautiful murals to the walls of many prominent Henderson buildings. To think, in the past, the government wanted to remove this beautiful artwork from the cityscape at private expense! With your included scorecard, you can keep track of the number and affiliation of each social club member you spot during your tour. Each club wears a different color or pattern of clothing as a matter of civic pride. Although the Ramshaft Group does everything in its power to promote a safe and enjoyable tour of Henderson, there is a slight element of risk involved in booking with us. From time to time, sightings of the extremely rare Henderson homeowner have been reported by guests during the tour. These homeowners are characterized by an extreme downtrodden cast to their complexion combined with frequent outbursts about something called “property values”. By recent city ordinance, the use of the words “property” and “value” in direct sequence without a city permit is illegal. Should you believe you have seen a Henderson homeowner at any point during your visit, you should immediately alert a member of our friendly staff who will ensure that this rarest of residents is returned to the special facility that has been set aside for their protection. Tours begin and end in the Assembly-fortified Embassy Square Green Zone. Thank you for considering Henderson for your vacation needs! |