Tuesday, July 1, 2025, 12:01 a.m.
(Students are sleeping in a large classroom/dormitory. Each bed is clearly a reclining desk chair placed behind a student desk. There is the sound of the occasional muffled scream from outside the room. A Robotic Teacher simulates snoring behind a larger dormitory desk.)
| (At precisely 12:01 a.m., a bell rings. The lights come on automatically as the reclining desk chairs return to an upright position.)
(A flashing light and a bosun’s whistle come from the televisor on the wall. The Robotic Teacher moves around the room, waking students and directing their attention to the televisor.) All: (Tiredly) Good morning, Principal Robot. Principal: Good morning, students. Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance. |
 |
|
All: I pledge allegiance to the cryogenically preserved brain of Robert Duke, Immortal Chairman-for-Life of the Vance County Board of Education, and to School Board Policy, to which he votes no, one county, funded enough, with Sundays off for good behavior for all. Principal: Welcome to the beginning of the 2025-2026 school year. The year that ended yesterday was fantastic, with an overall rise in scores of 0.001 percent. You should all be very proud of that. As you know, to increase scores even further, the school day has been increased from 16 hours to a full 24. Students, I know that some of you are a little upset because of the “in-service camps” your human teachers were sent to by Mr. Duke at the end of school yesterday. Please be aware that you will see them again when they have fulfilled their license renewal requirements. Teachers, some of the younger students have already e-mailed my office asking when they can go home. Please make sure your students understand that they can go home only on Sunday for eight whole hours, but only if they have less than three behavior infractions. Otherwise, they go to the Guidance Office for electro-shock behavior re-modification. Students and teachers, as you know, by state law, we must administer the Beginning-of-Grade tests as early in the day as possible. Students, if you do well on your tests, tomorrow you’ll get to sleep until 6 o’clock in the morning. Once your students have had their state-mandated morning 15 minutes for showering, bathroom, breakfast, calisthenics and televisor call home, get them settled and get them testing. Do not skip ANY of the 46 pages of directions for ANY reason. Remember, 16 teacher robots were scrapped yesterday for that very reason during the End-of-Testing test. Students, please remember that your performance on the BOGs determines whether you go to night school or whether you get to sleep. Kindergartners who fail the BOGs will have to repeat Infancy. Now here’s the Lord High Testing Coordinator. Teacher Robot: Great praise unto the Lord High Testing Coordinator! Testing Coordinator: Take out your No. 2 pencils and repeat with me: All: This is my No. 2 pencil. There are many like it, but this one is mine. I will keep it with me always. I will test with it. I will erase stray marks with it. Great is the No. 2 pencil! Testing Coordinator: Now, to the showers! (Lights start flashing red, and an alarm sounds.) Beginning-of-Grade test in 14 minutes, 57 seconds. Beginning-of-Grade test in 14 minutes, 5- seconds. … (Students scramble to shower, eat, exercise and call home in the allotted time, knowing that those who do not make it back to their desks will get the Guidance Office, or worse.) |
|