Milestones: Coup de blah

Even though you ran unopposed, you didn’t get all of the votes. Some voters chose not to punch your ticket and just voted in the other races. Some voters voted for me (I know of at least one for a fact, no matter what the Board of Elections doesn’t say), and that should give you some pause for concern, shouldn’t it? Since there was no real alternative candidate, they weren’t wasting their votes, but they were sending a message, the same message that people send when they vote for Mickey Mouse or Joe Walsh (he wanted to make toilet paper free) in presidential elections. Do you know what message they were sending, Clem?

I’m glad I didn’t win, honestly. What do you get for this mayor job? A cellphone that drops half its calls, a secretary and something in the neighborhood of $3,000 a year? Not to mention being a target of opportunity for people like me, even if you’re not an A-list victim. Don’t let that get you down, though. There’s always room for advancement in politics.

Now that the excitement of the election has passed, Clem, here are some things l would like to see you do in your second term. Call them Miles Gloriosus’ Prosperity Pointers or, for short, MG’s PPs.

1) Quit your “paying” job and become our full-time leader.

With a budget of over $26 million, we can afford to pay you what the job is worth. Sure, there are going to be those who object, but those are the same crackpots who think that municipal services should be free, civil servants are slaves, and taxes are liberal abominations. Being the mayor of Henderson should be a serious, full-time occupation, not a hobby or a side job.

2) Take back City Hall.

That is, wherever City Hall ends up. City Hall works for you and you work for us. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? Tame the civil service monster that runs this city. I won’t mention the names of the heads of this Hydra, but I’ll hint that one begins with “Eric” and ends with “Williams.” What we have right now is a bunch of partisans reactively guarding their positions and looking for a leader. Be that leader, Clem.

3) Be a peacemaker.

Bubba, an anonymous poster on Home in Henderson, wrote, “We in Henderson & Vance County already have a reputation for making conflict mongering an art form. Let’s be above that!” I know that you’ve tried to end the needless bickering, Clem, and you’ve gotten a lot of resistance for your efforts. You’ve also indulged yourself in some needless bickering, but I think you’ve learned and grown in your first term as mayor. I hope that the new City Council will let you succeed in ending the sniping, character assassination and damn foolishness that has given local governments across the land the reputation they enjoy today.

4) Piss people off.

I know that sounds like strange advice, especially given MG’s PP #3, but I mean exactly what I’ve said. I don’t mean that you should tell off-color jokes, either, although you should e-mail me if you know any good ones. What I mean is that we have to make some tough decisions, led by you, and, right or wrong, not everyone is going to get what they want, and not everyone is going to be happy about it. Being a peacemaker doesn’t mean that you don’t make the tough calls. Being a successful mayor means fighting the fights that need fighting.

We have a bad habit here in Vance County. We try to make everyone happy, even the bullies. Remember what happened the first time the Rev. C.J. Dale complained before the City Council? The Europeans called it “appeasement.” Look where it got them. Give the citizens their due based on the merits of their case, not to shut them up. When they take their case to the next level (which they so seldom do), it’s going to say a lot more about them that it will about the mayor, the City Council or Henderson itself, except, perhaps, sending the message that we do not suffer fools gladly.

5) Find Lewis H. Edwards a home.

Or at least get him a cone of silence. This goes for all of the government groupies in town. It’s easy to criticize from the cheap seats. Let’s get them on some committees and let them see how hard it is to get anything done in Henderson.

6) Televise City Council meetings.

Do I think anyone will watch? I’m sure some will, certainly more than actually come to the meetings, but I wouldn’t run it against “Survivor” or anything like that. I think the greatest benefit to televised meetings will be forcing everyone to be on their best behavior. Unless, of course, Henderson is some ultracynical, freakish version of “The Truman Show.” I don’t think I’m the first person to examine that possibility, either.

7) Make Henderson inviting to the vast majority of people in the world who, oddly enough, weren’t born here.

I know that this is not something that is strictly under your control, so please introduce an ordinance banning the use of the phrases “You’re not from around here, are you?”; “What kind of name is that?”; “Are you going home for the holidays?”; and similar questions and utterances. I think that the Chamber of Commerce has something to offer here as well. I believe that a lot of people who could have been assets to our community have been driven away by such statements. The intention behind them may have been harmless enough, but the thought that underlies them, “You don’t belong here,” is not harmless, but dangerous and detrimental.

Let’s face facts. Our homegrown industries are nearly depleted, and whether they were worth saving is a moot point. If prosperity is going to come, it’s going to come in the form of outside investment. We need to move away from the “motel mentality” that only welcomes outsiders long enough to finish their Teach for America commitment or spend the price of a room, a tank of gas and an Egg McMuffin before hitting the road to somewhere else.

I happily concede the election to you, Mayor Seifert. I wish you every success, for all our sakes.