Milestones: Just say no — a lesson for Hendersonians


Today we welcome our first weekly columnist to HomeinHenderson.com, who writes under the name Miles Gloriosus (all we’re saying is that the name comes from a character in “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum”). Miles will post his Milestones column each Monday at 6 a.m. You can count on him usually to be funny and always to be insightful. Enjoy.

OK, Henderson, I’m not saying that we never use the word “no.” Maybe we just don’t say it often enough. We’re good-hearted people, after all. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but, I mean, sometimes we don’t have a choice. Consider the following example of a sane parent setting reasonable limits for her child:

“Mommy, can I go to the Henderson City Council meeting?”

“No, sweetie. You’re too young to see that.”

“Can I at least read the budget?”

“Heck, no.”

Now that you have considered the above example, please read the following statement and choose the best response:

“Yo, Mr. Gloriosus. Is your hot daughter there?”

(A) “Yes, she is. I’ll go fetch her for you.”

(B) “Do you have enough money for beer and a motel room?”

(C) “No, she’s not, Chainsaw. By the way, have you ever cleaned a shotgun?”

The correct answer is C. Please go back and check your answer. Any questions?

That was easy. So much for beginner’s “no.” Let’s move on to some intermediate questions. Suppose you’re on the Henderson City Council and someone comes before you and says:

“I got a ticket for something I did, but it’s because of racism. Even though the ticket’s been taken care of, I expect you to do something else about it right now.”

How do you respond?

(A) “In the absence of any evidence other than your testimony and without speaking to the other person or persons involved, I freely admit culpability for racism on behalf of the city and the Police Department. I apologize deeply and sincerely on behalf of this council, the city of Henderson, and for generations yet unborn who, upon hearing of your plight, will weep a river of shame-stricken tears. I’ll just sign this check, and you fill in any number you think is fair.”

(B) “Where did you get that suit?”

(C) “I’m sorry, but no. We can’t do anything today, but we’ll look into it. Thanks for coming down and sharing your concerns.”

Once again, the correct answer is C. Easy as pie.

Let’s move on to some advanced work. You’re on the Henderson City Council again, considering yet another motion:

“I promise our private group will be as public as it is possible to be in a confidential meeting that is off the record in conditions of utmost secrecy. Now ratify our lengthy bylaws and consider giving us public money. (Sound of a foot tapping.) I said now!”

(A) “Wow! This is the best idea to hit Henderson since the burger joint!”

(B) “Sure. We don’t need to read these bylaws. We trust you.”

(3) “No, but we’d be happy to take it up at our next meeting when we’ve had a chance to read it and consider it.”

The correct answer is C. If you answered C, then you’re ready for your Ph.D. in no-ology. It’s time for your dissertation defense:

“Can we have a new library? I promise I’ll take care of it every day and put the books in it myself. I’ll never ask for anything ever again, as long as I can have this one thing. I’ll get a summer job at Sonic to pay for the electricity and everything! Oh, please!”

(A) “Let me ask your mother.”

(B) “Are more than 30 percent of the residents going to use it this time?”

(C) “No way, José.”

If you picked C, you pass!

Is someone pressuring you to do something that doesn’t seem quite right? Are you getting the bum’s rush, yet you’re not a bum? Are you being asked to sign it without reading it? As graduates of Doc Gloriosus’ School of Saying No, I hereby license all Hendersonians to go forth and deny, dismiss or otherwise respond with a negative interjection as the situation may warrant! Put your No-ledge to good use! Give it a think!

Hey, Henderson, if it turns out to be a good idea (you know, like a school bond), you can always say yes later.

— Written by Miles Gloriosus. Want to tell Miles something private? E-mail him at miles@homeinhenderson.com.