In a few hours from the time of this posting, the teachers of Vance County Schools will be gathering in the gymnasium of Northern Vance High School for the beginning-of-the-year Convocation.
| Robert Duke probably won’t be there. He’ll probably still be sleeping, hanging upside-down in his cave, dreaming of initiatives to which he can finally vote “yes,” Dickensian dreams of firing all of the teachers and replacing them with minimum-wage or, better yet, unpaid interns and parent volunteers. In the meantime, dancing sugar-plum fairies are chaining the students to an assembly line somewhere so they can work 16 hours at a stretch for a free and appropriate public education in the Vance County School of Tough Luck. We’re not talking about the Country Club children, of course, the few who are left whose parents aren’t cynical enough to have sent them to Kerr-Vance Academy or, even worse, the as-yet-unknown quantity that is Crossroads Christian School. At least, they have not sent their children yet. |  |
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A few prominent members of the community will probably show up, though. A few of the school board members will probably be there, a few Henderson City Council members, some Vance County commissioners, maybe even the mayor. They’ll stand and face the crowd, and the teachers will applaud. The latest haul of Teach for America kids will clap, too, without knowing why. Neither will the veteran teachers. If everyone is doing such a great job, they’ll think, why do we even need Teach for America teachers? But those veterans will almost certainly be cranky anyway from having their time wasted at the Convocation. They just want to get into their classrooms and get ready for the kids to show up. The audience will probably hear from the Vance County teacher of the year, whose selection is as inscrutable as recent presidential elections but is at least quasi-democratic on the level of each individual school. The teacher of the year will talk about what a pain in the ass teaching is, but how it is ultimately worthwhile, and that will set the tone for the rest of the Convocation. A succession of people will take the podium, mostly with the same message. Teaching is a noble profession. Teachers don’t do it for the money. Teachers teach because of an inborn love of teaching. Teachers are altruists. Teachers are appreciated, even if they’re not appreciated with money, materials and the respect of the community, even if they’re thrust into a work environment a Chinese political prisoner would disdain. Heck, they may be the only people left in America who are not allowed go to the bathroom when they need to, a privilege currently enjoyed by Army recruits, Guantanamo Bay detainees and supermax inmates. It’s a pretty good racket, these stories of the nobility of sacrifice that is teaching. I think most teachers buy into it, which shows either that teachers are iron-willed masochists or that the teacher education programs probably need a little shoring up in their entrance criteria. It makes me wonder if we can expand this mode of thinking into other jobs to help reduce consumer costs. Truck driving, for example. Quite a savings to be had there, seeing as how a long-distance truck driver makes roughly twice as much as a first-year teacher. Maybe we can make oil refining a “love of” profession. Or car manufacturing. How about law?. International rock star. City Council. Well, better forget that last one. Elected officials in Vance don’t make the price of a takeout meal. It’s an interesting strategy for getting the best and the brightest to lead and continue to lead, kind of like the one that the great state of North Carolina uses to recruit and retain teachers. But have no fear! There is a commission to study the issue. This is all cynical conjecture, of course. (You’re thinking, “Not you, Miles!”) It could go a whole different way today. Dr. Norm Shearin could announce that through some miracle of funding, perhaps a successful bond referendum endorsed by Wal-Mart and guaranteed by God Himself (or is it the other way around?), some new schools will be built to replace decrepit facilities like Clark Street Elementary School. A county Commissioner could tell the assembled throng that despite the sacrifice they’re going head-to-head with Wake County and paying out a 17 percent local supplement, effective immediately. The head of the local Brotherhood of Beer Drinkers could announce that they support an extra quarter of tax on six-packs to help fund schools. Smokers everywhere could support an extra dollar a pack to raise teacher salaries. Schools could win the lottery every week! Peace could break out all over the world, and the Pentagon could be converted into a giant magnet school … Monkeys could fly out of my butt, too. Really big ones. |
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