Milestones: The Rev. C.J. Dale’s mailbag


Have you ever had the urge to tear open someone else’s mail? Don’t! Not only is it a federal crime, but, even worse than prison, you could end up reading something like this:

Dear Reverend Dale,

I’m writing to you on black paper because I think it’s less offensive than white paper.

A few weeks ago, I was driving my unregistered car without a license plate south in the northbound lanes of I-85 at a slow 90 miles per hour. There was no one in the car except me, unless you count the teenage hooker, but she was hard to see because she was mostly on the floorboard getting dressed.

I must have gotten distracted for a second (maybe while I was snorting coke off the dashboard) and swerved the car or something, because when I came up from my bump, there was this police car behind me, lights flashing, telling me to pull over. I pulled over immediately, after I drove down the road for a good two or three miles until I found a good spot.

Reverend, would you believe they had the nerve to order me out of the car with their guns drawn? Well, I did what they told me to do, but I took my time about it, because I don’t like people telling me what to do when I’m coked up. I even left my gun under the seat, because I think it’s rude to pull a gun on someone you don’t even know. Heck, they wouldn’t even let my ‘ho finish getting dressed or swallowing all those baggies of drugs before making us both lie down on the side of the road and handcuffing us. They didn’t even cuff us together.

Then they started asking us questions. Every time they asked a question, like “How old is the girl?” they always ended with the word “sir.” Well, I know why they kept calling me “sir,” and I find it offensive. I mean, I’m not a “sir.” I’m a “mister.”

Then those officers had the nerve to look through my car. I don’t know what the “probable claws” are, but it must have something to do with the dog they got to sniff my car. I’m allergic to dogs, and I’ve got asthma, too. When I told them that, they said it didn’t matter anyway because they were taking my car on account of the 15 kilos of heroin they found in the trunk. I told them that heroin is legal in Europe, and that’s where I was headed anyway, but they hauled me in, and the ’ho, too.

Fortunately, bail for me was only $250. Bail on the ’ho was $10,000. She’s still there.

Reverend Dale, I’m a Christian and a God-fearing man. Lord knows I’ve made my share of mistakes. Why, I missed church twice last year, and I almost took the Lord’s name in Maine. But this is clearly a case of profiling and police brutality. Can you help me at the next City Council meeting they way you’ve helped so many others?

Enclosed please find a contribution to your church, under the coffee grounds wrapped in air fresheners. With your help, I should be able to make a lot more contributions.

Sincerely,

John Q. Thuggenton

P.S. Please bring ABC-11 this time. That Shae Crisson is hot!