OK, Henderson, I know it’s a little late, but I can no longer place my faith in the stewardship of Henderson with guys who go by names like “Biff,” “Clem,” “Chick,” “Bubba” and “Eric.” (Talk about a “weak” mayor system!) Therefore, I’d like to announce my write-in candidacy for mayor of Henderson. Just write me in there Tuesday. Your friendly elections officials will tell you how. Bring a purple crayon with you so they’ll know you’re serious.
| Now I’ll answer some hard-hitting questions:
Do you like puppies? Not only do I love puppies, but I also love kittens, babies, lambs, teddy bears, and all other things small and cute. Except squirrels. They’re just damned tree rats with bushy tails. What is your ideal government? My ideal is like the one in “Logan’s Run,” but with one significant difference. Instead of your palm turning red as you near your 30th birthday, it starts blinking when you become an idiot. Blinkers go to Carousel, except for the lucky few who find Sanctuary on the City Council. “Run, runner!” |
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What do you see as the basic responsibility of the mayor? Being the mayor of Henderson is like being the producer of “The Real World.” You have a lot of disparate and often conflicting personalities, and my job is to get them to clash as much as possible. Don’t you mean “work together” rather than “clash”? No, I don’t. If they worked together, what would I write my column about? Why did you decide to run for mayor so late in the election season? Well, I didn’t want to deal with having all of those signs printed. In Henderson, a Roman centurion is just another guy in a leather skirt. And, being anonymous, I realized that people would have to throw bricks at random to try to get my windows, and I wanted to cut down on property damage. Also, I would have had to answer questions written by someone other than myself. I’m afraid of Scott Hughes, too. He’s cranky in the morning. Miles, if you win, will you reveal your secret identity? Hell no. How will you be able to function as Henderson’s first anonymous mayor? Ever see “The Gong Show”? Like the Unknown Comic, I’ll just wear a paper bag over my head when I’m doing my mayor thing. In fact, I’m surprised that previous administrations haven’t done the same. What do you see as Henderson’s greatest need? As mayor, what will you do to fulfill that need? We could really use a Red Lobster. I’ll offer a tax incentive to anything with snapping claws. Wouldn’t that end up giving most of the City Council a tax break? Oops! Do you really believe that retail and service industry jobs like those at a Red Lobster would bring Henderson out of its current economic woes? No. Only toll roads and gambling will do that. One of my first acts as mayor will be a driving tour to Atlantic City, N.J., to make an extended, firsthand study of its system. You’re going to gamble with city money? I should point out that the drinks are free. Jeez, you act as if I’m going to Hawaii at public expense or something. Faced with tolls, won’t travelers and tourists simply go somewhere else? That’s what the officers on the interstate are for. I think with a little encouragement tourists will be happy to spend some time and bail money in Henderson. What kind of industry would you like to see Henderson attract? In keeping with a vice-based economy, I would like to see Henderson welcome the cement and contracting industry, linen supply, trucking, vending machine distribution, business protection, personal loans, discount cigarettes and liquor, an import/export business, and a Henderson “lottery” to the area. Also, Henderson needs an establishment where Hendersonians can meet and discuss worldwide sporting events. As mayor, you will have the responsibility for setting the City Council meeting agenda. What features or innovations, if any, can we expect from you? I intend to make all City Council meetings, committee meetings and any other city-related activity clothing-optional, especially Alive! After Five. I hope Hendersonians consider this when voting Tuesday and make the right choices. I would like to see all religions, past and present, represented in the invocation, beginning with, say, augury and definitely including Wicca. Maybe a human sacrifice of whoever loses the Ward 3 at-large seat, since that seems to be a duel to the death anyway. I also plan to introduce an ordinance against the overuse and abuse of colorful Southern idioms and metaphors. This “over-Southerning” ordinance will limit, I hope, the disjointed monologues of certain council members and hopefully keep the council within reasonable time constraints. Do you plan to continue Mayor Clem Seifert’s Speak Up Henderson forum? No. I will, however, set aside a time when citizens can visit me in my private office and ask me for “favors.” What is your opinion of the Embassy Block project? I’m going to reserve judgement until I have all the “facts.” It will be the “facts” that determine my answer to that question, and I’m going to wait until all the “facts” are in. I certainly hope that the principals involved will be willing to contribute “facts” to help me make a determination. I’m one of those people who need a lot of “facts.” “Facts” is your way of saying “bribe,” isn’t it? Just whose side are you on, anyway? What do you consider the greatest accomplishment of city government in the past two years? I think one of the greatest accomplishments of the city in the past two years is helping municipal parking lots to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. Should Time Warner Cable be compelled in the new contract to broadcast City Council meetings? Let me state unequivocally that I am against pornography and gratuitous violence on television. However, if it does happen, I’d like for it to be called “The Smoke-and-Mirrors Old-Timey Holiness Three-and-a-Half Hours of Power” hosted by former Mayor Chick Young and with color commentary by the Rev. C.J. Dale. The position of city manager, currently occupied by Eric Williams, is one that can be controversial at times. What is your opinion of the job performance of our current city manager? I would like to see a clause written into the city manager’s contract calling for termination if he insists on the continued use of more than one consecutive period in a correspondence. The same goes if I ever see him wearing a Speedo again. He needs to know that, like any city employee, he can be replaced. I think we can get the Magic Mirror away from the Wicked Queen for a fraction of his current salary, too. We thank you very much for your time, Miles Gloriosus. No problem. It was either this or chase my kids out of the house so I could watch another episode of the human reproduction and anatomy lesson that is “Rome.” |
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