7:00 a.m. – Awakened to alarm clock.
7:01 a.m. – Renewed deal with the Devil by sacrificing a goat in bedroom pentagram.
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7:02-7:45 a.m. – Took a shower rich in human blood, shaved with heirloom fleecing shears, and dried off by rolling around in copies of the foreclosure notices of local residents.
7:46 – 8:00 a.m. – Breakfasted on lightly killed puppies. 8:01 – 8:30 a.m. – Commuted to work in company “Appraisermobile”, an eco-friendly vehicle that runs entirely on the backs of working people. 8:31 – 8:40 a.m. – Drank a nice hot cup of special “organic” mushroom tea. |
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8:41 – 8:50 a.m. – Bathroom. There was no toilet paper, so used form marked “Visual Inspection Report” instead. There are plenty of unused forms all over the office, some turning yellow with age.
8:50 – 9:00 a.m. – Walls begin to drip. Remembered that the public television course I took on appraising said that dripping walls should appraise higher than non-dripping walls. I think. I was kind of wasted at the time. 9:01 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. – With a platte book, took Appraisermobile out for a spin. Spent the next three hours listening to the Doors at top volume and writing numbers at random while running stop signs near the homes of the elderly. Jim Morrison singing “…we couldn’t get much higher” caused giggling for an uncomfortably long time. 12:00 – 1:00 p.m. – Decided to skip lunch and go back to the office. Someone had a tray of special brownies, however, and ended up going out for pizza and crack. 1:01 – 4:00 p.m. – Drove around county stopping at random houses. Every once in a while, got out of car, hitched up pants, grunted, and finished twelve Sodoku puzzles on a clipboard while looking pensive and officious. For fun, calculated values of some properties by adding up odometer readings of any automobiles that happened to be on the lot, including the Appraisermobile’s. Bet Wal-Mart is pissed. 4:01 – 4:30 p.m. – Returned to office and rolled old Dungeons & Dragons dice to complete the day’s revaluations. 4:31 p.m. – Received commendation from county government on the way out. 4:32 p.m. – Commuted home in Appraisermobile. 4:33 – 5:00 p.m. – Deliberately killed three squirrels and a cat on the way home. Saved the cat. 6:16 – 8:00 p.m. – Practiced saying the Lord’s Prayer backwards. 8:01 – 10:00 p.m. – Wrote daily love letter to Charles Manson while listening to “Helter Skelter” on “repeat”. 10:01 p.m. – Fell asleep on couch while watching “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”. Rooted for the Grinch, as always. Someday that damn Whoville has to come up for revaluation, and I’ll be there. |