Planet of the Bureaucrats, Part II


Our story so far: Henderson Mayor Clem Seifert and his intrepid band of space travellers, former City Council members Harriette Butler, John Wester, and Mike Rainey crash-land on a strange planet 2,000 years after their space ship, the U.S.S. Search Committee, left Henderson. Butler died in cold sleep.

After the crash, Seifert, Wester, and Rainey make their way across the wasteland ETJ to City Hall where they lose their supplies and are victims of a hunt by city employees. Rainey is killed during the hunt, Seifert is knocked unconscious, and the fate of Wester is unknown.

Scene 5

Seifert awakes in a cage. He hears voices and looks around groggily. He sees two figures conversing through the bars of his cell. They gradually come into focus.

Female Figure: Dr. Gister, will this politician live?

Dr. Gister: I don’t know, Dr. von Williams. This beast has lost a lot of hot air. What is that name you gave him?

Dr. von Williams (She reads off of a chart.) Baby Cakes. (She pauses, remembering.) It was strange, the way he had those rags tied around himself. Imagine, a politician showing modesty!

(Seifert tries to say something, but his neck wound prevents him from doing so.)

Dr. Gister: Did he just try to speak?

Dr. von Williams: Marty! This could prove your theory! That bureaucrats evolved from a lower form of life, possibly politicians!

While von Williams has been talking, Dr. Zollicoffer, Chief Caretaker of the Fertilizer, has come up behind the two doctors.

Dr. Zollicoffer: Civil servants evolving from politicians! Preposterous!

Dr. Gister: Oh, Dr. Zollicoffer, we didn’t see you there!

Dr. Zollicoffer: I should think not! Be careful, my young friends, what you say borders on legal heresy!

Dr. Gister: Dr. Zollicoffer, I found evidence of a pre-civil servant culture in the Eeteejay during my expedition last year. In fact, in a cave, I saw…

Dr. Zollicoffer: You went into the Eeteejay? The greatest of us, our Lawgiver Lewis Edwards, specifically forbade it in the Sacred Charter!

Dr. Gister: I had the Manager’s permission, of course.

Dr. von Williams: But Dr. Zollicoffer, this politician thinks he can talk. Show him, Baby Cakes. Show him your trick!

(Seifert tries to speak, but is unable to do so.)

Dr. Zollicoffer: He has a definite gift for appearing to say something when, in fact, he is saying nothing at all. I’m afraid, Dr. Gister, your theory will remain unproven.

Dr. Gister: Yes, sir.

(As the three civil servants move off, Zollicoffer casts a malevolent look back at Seifert, who looks at him pleadingly.)

Scene 6

(As Seifert’s cage swings open, a full-figured woman is led into cell. The handlers snicker knowingly as they ease her towards the cell.)

Dr. von Williams: I’ve got a present for you, Baby Cakes.

(The woman is shoved in and the door is closed behind her. Seifert covers her with a blanket and leads her to his straw bedding. He smiles at her and traces the name “Emma” into the dirt floor of his cell.)

Scene 7

Seifert is enfolded by Emma as they lay sleeping in the cell. Two civil servants approach the main handler. Seifert awakes, but gives no indication that he can hear what is being said.)

Civil Servant 1: Have this politician ready to go in five minutes.

Handler: Why?

Civil Servant 2: He is to be infortituded, by order of Dr. Zollicoffer.

Handler: Dr. von Williams won’t like it. She doesn’t want him to take any firm positions.

Civil Servant 1: This politician is now under the jurisdiction of the Department of Fertilizer.

(The Civil Servants leave. The Handler opens the cage and prepares Seifert to be transported.

Suddenly, Seifert attacks, taking the Handler by surprise. He runs from the prison into the street where passing civil servants scream and run. Bureaucrats, city employees, civil servants, and the like throw rotten fruit and copies of the city budget at him.

Although he puts up a noble effort, the police eventually catch him in a net made of meeting minutes. They begin to untangle him.)

Seifert: (Hoarsely.) Get your stinking pay grades off me, you damn dirty bureaucrat!

(Civil servants gasp in horror and fall silent as a result of his speech.)

What will happen to Clem now that his ability to speak has been revealed? Find out in the next episode: Planet of the Bureaucrats, Part III!