Milestones: Miles for Sheriff

It’s hard to “program” away a purple crayon.

Now I’ll respond to the hard-hitting questions that have made my write-in campaigns famous:

Do you like crime?

Why, no. No, I don’t.

That response begs the question, do you like criminals?

Insofar as they are entirely responsible for crime, I have to respond no, not really. However, one must look at the root cause of criminality which is the commission of crime. If criminals would refrain from such wanton acts of lawbreaking, crime could be reduced up to 100%, or perhaps even more. I plan to address this issue immediately upon taking office.

Be that as it may, I hope the law-abidingly challenged will realize where I’m coming from on this and consider voting for me often in the upcoming election.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

Not in this country, no.

In what country were you convicted, and what were you convicted of?

As it turns out, armed robbery is illegal in Canada, too. But they’re just a bunch of bacon-eating, hockey-watching, Francophonic pansies, so who cares?

Aren’t you worried about losing the Canadian vote?

You’re right. Please strike “bacon-eating” from the interview.

Voters might perceive your clear bias against Canadians as indicative of bigotry against other national or ethnic groups. How would you respond to this charge?

I stand by my reputation as a principled man without any convictions anonymously hiding in a paper bag made of 100% recycled paper. I am a friend to the people of Henderson and to the environment.

Just to make sure the record is clear, have your ever had your record expunged by the governor of North Carolina or any other state?

I have never had my record expunged. I have, however, often fantasized about sponge baths given by ex-governors like Christine Todd Whitman of New Jersey and Ann Richards of Texas.

Why another write-in campaign? Why not file like a regular candidate?

I hung around the courthouse all day, but I couldn’t find the Reverend C. J. Dale. I was scared to go in there by myself.

What moved you to enter a race that already has three candidates when there are several races for County Commission and the Board of Education with no challengers?

None of those positions allow me to legally carry a gun or put blue lights in my as-yet-unrecalled Ford Pinto. Besides, where’s the challenge in unseating a man like Robert Duke?

There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the management of the Vance County Jail. As sheriff, how would you deal with the break-outs and other issues that have brought such infamy to Vance County?

It is my intention to ask the Citizen’s Advisory Committee to zone a 100 yard area around the perimeter of the city as a “moat zone”. Once county-wide water is established, this moat will be filled with water, toxic chemicals, alligators, and trout, and then ringed with machine-gun nests. Once this is accomplished, I believe Vance County Jail security as well as library funding will become a moot point. In keeping with my views regarding vice-based economics, I believe the moat containment system also opens up the possibility of bringing moat-boat gambling to Vance County.

What about the law-abiding residents of Henderson?

I’ll allow sufficient time for all ten of them to get out.

Do you have anything you’d like to say regarding the administration of the incumbent sheriff, H. Thomas Breedlove?

Well, first of all, we can’t ignore Sheriff Breedlove’s many accomplishments, especially his contribution to cinematic and television history. I understand that both Rod Steiger and Carroll O’Connor studied him for the role of Police Chief Bill Gillespie. However, I feel that we need to move on to new TV role models like Gil Grissom and Adrian Monk. Especially Adrian Monk.

Vance County Sheriff’s Office deputies are some of the lowest paid law enforcement officers in the state of North Carolina. How do you plan to deal with with that issue if elected into office?

Well, I think that it is absolutely shameful that Vance County has that distinction. As one of my first official acts, I will discharge every sworn officer in the Sheriff’s Office. With the pay differential diverted to the sheriff’s salary, Vance County will be able to boast that it has the highest per capita pay of any department in the state. Then you’ll see the applications start to come in.

How will you enforce the law without deputies?

Whenever we have a problem, I’ll just raise a posse. Haven’t you ever seen an episode of Gunsmoke?

Good luck with your campaign. Thank you for your time.

Remember, folks, don’t waste your vote on a real candidate. Vote for Miles!