Here are the top ten reasons to vote for me in tomorrow’s election for sheriff:
10) When you call me an “old bag”, it’ll be true.
9) I’m always loaded and ready to go off.
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8) My supporters haven’t harassed anyone on “Town Talk”.
7) I can go into the courthouse all by myself, and frequently have to. 6) I’ve been endorsed by the Anonymous Columnist’s Association (bus station men’s room, behind the toilet tank, “For a good time call Miles”). 5) Because I am concerned about vice, I’ll put women on the street. I will also consider allowing female officers to go on patrol. 4) I’ll convert the new library into a jail. There’s no escape from that operating budget. |
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3) I will not hesitate to ask the Vance County Board of Commissioners for money. I would, however, refrain from asking them to spell the word “money”. 2) I will save fuel costs by having county residents tow their homes to the Vance County Sheriff’s Office after a burglary to file a report. 1) If asked, I will provide Vance County middle schools with School Resource Officers, provided that they hold classes in the county courthouse so SROs can continue to work as bailiffs. Don’t forget your purple crayons tomorrow, Vance voters, as your stagger into your polling places. Make The Daily Dispatch print how many votes the “pseudonymous online columnist” got in the election! Together we can hardly make a difference! |