Category: Opinion

Ok, after two months I’ve finally come to admit it to myself: I am never going to finish this. So much for my experiment in episodic parody. So let me just give you the punch line and anyone who likes can fill in the details.

The Boys and Girls Clubs of North Central North Carolina is hosting an informational meeting Tuesday evening January 31, 2006. The meeting will be at the cafeteria of Clark Street School from 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.

In our last episode: Henderson Mayor Clem Seifert lay recovering in a cage from a neck wound that was the result of being caught in a politician hunt by city employees.

Our story so far: Henderson Mayor Clem Seifert and his intrepid band of space travellers, former City Council members Harriette Butler, John Wester, and Mike Rainey crash-land on a strange planet 2,000 years after their space ship, the U.S.S. Search Committee, left Henderson. Butler died in cold sleep.

Scene 1 (Henderson Mayor Clem Seifert is seated in the cockpit of a spaceship. His feet are propped up on the dashboard as he speaks into the computer, making his last log entry before going into suspended animation.)

Someone needs to explain to me what all the fuss is about.

‘Twas the night before swearing-in And all through City Hall, Every worker was waiting For the big ax to fall.

November 28, 2005 Henderson, North Carolina Dear Mr. Kringle: We know that while Santa might live in the hearts and minds of each one of us, he still has to have a physical plant and a municipal support structure behind his base of operations. That’s why you’ve just got to reopen Christmas right here in beautiful Henderson, North Carolina! The children of the world are depending on you, and you can depend on us!

The council chamber is festively adorned with cornucopia, crepe-paper turkeys, and cardboard cut-outs of Pilgrims, Native Americans and Miles Standish holding a paper bag with eye holes cut out of it. The City Council members stand in their respective places, holding hands for the benediction.

On Monday night’s Henderson City Council meeting agenda was a request to fill vacancies in several city departments.

In Henderson, every time race is a real or imagined factor in any discussion, someone always has to mention the idea of the “race card.” The recent discussion of the naming of the Outer Loop has once again brought up Henderson’s favorite metaphor.

Well, Henderson, it’s pretty clear that we don’t interpret the rules as other towns do. Yes, friends, our “interpretations” of the law and of the rules make Henderson a town like no other.

I’m disappointed that there has been so much inveighing against Halloween these last several years. I think that it is the quintessential Henderson holiday.

Today I am going to introduce what I hope will become an annual Henderson event: the Civic Responsibility, Awareness and Participation Awards, or the CRAAP (pronounced “crop”) Awards. These awards will be given to individuals who, in my opinion, have achieved milestones in city/county government, education, religion, society, social activism, or other forms of blatant, in flagrante civic-mindedness.